Betrayal

Have you ever loved someone so much and then gotten betrayed somehow? Maybe not even betrayed; maybe you left them for some reason. There’s always that barrier after this happens between two people. Whether or not you start talking again, there is an invisible force keeping you apart. They say love is strong, but even that cannot break this barrier, for sometimes, it is love that constructs this barrier.

Imagine that person you thought of when you read that very first sentence. A few years from now, you find out they’re dying. If you truly ever felt something for them, whether they’re a friend, lover, or parent, you will always feel the need to go see how they’re doing. Guilt remains afterwards if you don’t go. Maybe you hated this person after whatever happened between you two. The heat of battle built this barrier.

If you were to read about someone dying in the newspaper, it would just blow over. If you were to read about your ex-teacher dying, you might feel something, even if said teacher failed you back in your freshman year. There is never enough hatred in a sane human mind to wish death upon someone you have talked to. That is how the ego works; it has to relate to you in order to truly feel something in a situation for somebody else.

Now go back to that person’s deathbed. What would you say? Would you apologize for what happened? Would you just stare at them in awe for the person they’ve become, for the person that this world is losing? If you would truly feel something, ten that love burnt inside of you this entire wasted time. But you’ll never know till you’re really there beside their deathbed.

Be proud of the relations you have, and enjoy every moment of it. Don’t ever say goodbye; you don’t ever want a true farewell.

Endings

“An ending is nothing but a new beginning.”                       -Myself

I hate goodbyes. But I never want to look back at one and regret it. Life is too short for that. So I like to cherish the memories of all the good times; the laughter, and the smiles that came and went. Because I know that there’s still more out there.

For the past little while, I’ve been stressed to the bone. My mind will erupt if I don’t keep my balance with insanity. I’ve told myself that it’s all because of the schoolwork and extra-curriculars, but I know that those are just the distractions that keep me from jumping off the cliff.

I’ve been spending hours just thinking. Stress doesn’t always come because of a physical form. Sometimes, you need to make some decisions as to who you’ll leave behind in your journey, and what hitchhikers you’ll pick up along the way to your very last farewell.

I hate endings. But I love them too.

Lately, it’s been difficult deciding how to go about life nowadays. But today, in the desk of my seat in my new math class, I found a Chinese fortune – the ones from those fortune cookies you get at Chinese restaurants. It said “Getting together will old friends brings new adventures.” I realized how true that is with my view on endings and goodbyes. But it’s true; you’ll go on new adventures with old friends, leave some behind and make new ones, but there will always be a few who are always there.

That’s called true friendship.

Growth

All it takes for a plant to grow is water, soil, and sunshine. It’s so simple; you’d think that other living organisms would grow in a similar way. But reality is: it takes so much more for a child to grow; shelter, food, water, and love. Without the support and care, a child’s future is bound to be bent or broken.

A few years ago, I went to the market with my dad and we bought a small bamboo plant as a decorative piece for my new bedroom. I watered it every day being careful to not put too much. I made sure my curtains were open during the peak time of day, so the plant would receive enough sunlight but not so much to burn it. I watched it grow and grow, measuring its outstanding height as it grew. I stabled it when it became too tall to hold its own structure, giving it support for as long as it needed. I almost treated it like a child on its own. But then, everything changed.

I didn’t care for it anymore. I was too distracted to give it the food it needed. I wanted to keep my bedroom as dark as my thoughts. I didn’t even notice how much it died – until today.

Why is it that you can care so much for something or someone and then suddenly just not give a shit? Distractions are healthy sometimes but when they change your views on loved ones, you can be so blinded as to not even notice what you’re losing - until it’s too late. You always feel some regret, but for some, it’s as easy as pushing it to the back of your mind. For others, it’s not. I used that bamboo as a symbol to myself - until I lost my hope. What does it take for you to completely lose your faith in something or someone you love?

Apologies

True forgiveness lies not in your regretful thoughts, but way beyond. To yourself, your ego is your identity. For example, I hate Bush. It is not you that hates Bush; it’s your ego. It wants to be released, to become your skin. But those who become aware that your true identity is in fact the Aliveness inside of you, are the ones who truly feel. (A great book to read about the Aliveness inside of you is A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle.)


What is the difference between a true apology and a mere sorry? It doesn’t matter how big the problem is - a simple sorry never fixes it. Honestly, I believe that no problem is ever fixed between two people, no matter what the relation, because it is always mentioned again later in life. This may cause a more severe argument. You never get over something, unless it’s the flu, or you have amnesia. It always comes back into your thoughts.

A true apology comes not from that one s word, but from inside of you, where the Aliveness lies. If you truly resent what happened, no matter who is at fault, you will feel the need to apologize. It doesn’t matter what kind of person you are; if you truly regret what happened, you will apologize.

This apology is never delivered as I’m sorry, or can we just forget all about it, but instead in a thought-about way – poetic, if you will. The words and the thoughts rush to your head like blood, and you know right then that you have to step up to the plate and apologize. If you’re truly sorry, you know you will never be able to forget about it. Instead, you can overcome it.

If it sounds stupid to you at this point, you have never felt true regret. There will be arguments between you and others in the future – no doubt about it. Perhaps sometime in the future you will feel true regret and you will want to apologize, whether it’s to yourself, to a peer, or to Whomever you believe to be your God. Whoever it is, if it is a true apology, they will accept it. Humans have a neural sense for other humans' feelings. Some read it better, but all humans feel something inside. Some may have let that true identity out completely (as in they completely got rid of their ego) and let these feelings wander. Are you up for tearing off that skin of ego?

Memories

“…sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.”

 -Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose

I spent my childhood in that neighbourhood. Every inch of the sidewalk owns a memory I never wanted to lose. On my last day, I was shooting hoops at my favourite of the three parks in the area, something I loved to do ever since I can remember. On my last shot, a piece of chain fell from the mesh. I kept it in my pocket ever since.

I felt like I still had a piece of my childhood with me. One filled with love, heartbreak, exclusion, anger, and adventure. Nobody ever wants to lose their childhood. Memories are too important to lose or forget, and so I learned to write them down. Maybe that’s why I felt so lost and hurt when I lost the chain a few days ago.

I feel naked without it in my pocket. Last time I lost it, it found its way back to me, somehow. For some reason, I don’t think that will happen this time.

But in the past few days I’ve also learned to let go. Memories will always be with you, but you never lose your identity when you lose a possession.

I still have the memories inside of me. They have become my identity, but this possession was not.

Seeking Answers

Everybody has a place they seek out to for answers. When they’re feeling down, they’ll wander around and up in the same spot once again. Perhaps this is because they think better, away from the world, away from the root of their problems. But the problem follows deep inside their thoughts. The sound of nature in the place they go to is never enough to down their thoughts. Why is it that they always seem to find an answer through the voices in their head? Is it the effect of the place, or is it all inside of you? What is it about this place that guides them to the answer?

Who Are You?

Who are you? Imagine you were asked to create a profile based on any of these three characteristics about yourself:
• Your religion

• Your personality

• Your future or current career choice

You might answer Christian, friendly, media. Easy questions to answer, right? But have you ever though deeper than these simple answers?

Your religion may be anything; Christianity, Hinduism, Islamism, Sikhism, or even Atheist. There are so many. What if I asked you, When did you become a Muslim? Most people would say Since I was born. or Ever since I can remember. Usually there is only one answer to why you follow the religion you do; your parents. They teach you right from the start to believe in the same religion as they were taught to believe in. Nowadays there are people who say they follow a certain religion but they don’t really believe in all of it. I like to call these people the Indecisives. I certainly am an Indecisive. Why? Because you tell yourself your whole life that you follow a religion, but then one day you realize that you don’t really know enough about it or believe in what you do know about it. That’s when you do some soul searching, and then make a decision of whether or not you follow that religion. It may end up that you don’t follow any religion, or you change religions because of the style of beliefs of another, or even a slight belief in a mixture of religions. You might be afraid to change your mind because of family or because of your current religion. You might think My parents will be angry with meor even God will be angry with me for disobeying Him, even though you're already doubting Him. But remember that it’s you that believes (or doesn’t believe). You’ll still have that urge to search the world for others who have similar beliefs. There are so many people who can influence your belief, but in the end, it’s all on you.

What do you do when you have a bad morning? Two answers. A. Suck it up and fake a smile at school or work. B. Ruin everybody else’s day. The majority of people go for the first answer, but sometimes it’s just too hard to pretend. Why do people go for the first answer? Because they know that others will question them or feel bad. Who’s the influence again? Other people. You might even act like somebody you’re not because you want to stay within your current “friend” circle. Well, guess what? There’s always another group of friends who will accept you for who you really want to be because they’re like you to. You just won’t know until you let yourself out. You can never adapt to being someone you’re not. One day, you’ll just get tired of that voice inside your head telling you to shut up and stop acting. It’s really not that hard to be yourself.

Think ten years from now, if you’re in school. If you’re not in school, think back to when you were. You’ve got a dream in mind. You want to go out and be, for example, an architect. But your parents want you to be a doctor and take over their office. All you think is damn. Flush away your dreams, follow their rules. Ten years from now, you’ll be giving an old man a yearly check-up with a frown. He’ll think it’s because of his hairy and wrinkly back. You know it’s not. You’ll think back to right about now and say to yourself What if I had stepped up and talked to Mom and Dad about being an architect? But you didn’t. Now it’s kind of too late to change your career path. So make the right decision now. Don’t let your parents’ dreams influence you; it’s your dream. You dared to dream it. Now achieving it isn’t too far.

This might change your mind about what you believe in, who you are, and what you want to do. I most certainly will be giving my future children their own free will, and support them for who they are. Will you?